The Beginning of 2018

The obsolete unpublished unfinished post I have written, that seems to be a million years ago:

"My girl Charlotte is 4 months old today. The pregnancy and the labor went well, although at the beginning of the second trimester the doctor announced that the fetus might have been too small.  They required me to lay down on the left side at least 4 hours a day. But thank God she was born normal, 3kg, 48cm long. It was quite easy to gave birth to her, to my surprise..."

She is now almost 4, how time flies.

Between then and now I have grown so much, more than I thought. Or perhaps it is for the first time I have realized that I grown mentally, pshycologically.. Evolving. Wiser, I think. I hope.

I am more comfortable with myself right now.

Have found the love of my life, not only he fulfilled me but also I am the better version of myself when I am with him. I asked myself from time to time, have I not met him, can I be the person I am today right now?

With the (early) challenge of being a mother, at the end of the day it gives me a chill to even think that what life is like without him by my side. I shared him this fear last night, he said that he would never let me be a mommy to his daughter without him by my side. This assures. For the single mother out there, your level of maturity if definitely above me.

Coming to this year, like almost every year I have written what I remember I had accomplished and what I wish to do in the future. I didn't start with checklist like years before, but instead asking myself this question.

What kind of Mother, Wife, and Woman do I want to be in 2018?

In a piece of paper I scribbled:

Wife: kind, loving, sweet, supporting, and let the husband do his stuff
Mother: no snap, no threat, loving, kind, encourage, comfort, long love, patient, soft-spoken, cuddly, cute, funny
Woman: strong willpower, achievement, wise, healthy, smart, courageous

So, you might ask, for this past 15 days, have I been the wife, mother, self I want to be? This came out harder than I thought.

I sometimes act as a mother to D (It's the initial of my husband's name. I don't mind mentioning his name, it will come out anyway, but for some reason I always refer him to D whenever I write about him). Please wear your scarf, don't forget the umbrella, here is your gloves, etc.. I thought that this is the right thing to do until two weeks ago when it had exponentially angered him.

That day we were supposed to go out and I asked if he could wear more outfits as there will be wind, he thought that he had worn enough, but I insisted.  He ended up doing what I asked him.

But it was very obvious that he was angry. We have promised C (my daughter, Charlotte) to go visit the Eiffel Tower the day before so we won't cancel this. Especially this might be the only sunshine we have for the week.  He asked me and C to go ahead and walk to the metro station while he would checked out the car. But I know that this is a pretext for we needed this space to calm down.

The selfish part of me is annoyed and think, why is he so stubborn, what happen if he gets sick again.  The other side think why would something so simple angered the man so much?

When he arrived behind us I let him walk in front of me along with C.  Confused and sad, I didn't understand his anger.

Maybe it is alright to let others take control, he has been living far longer than me and he should know himself better than me. And especially he is not my son, he is my husband.

I ran to him, at this time we have arrived at île aux cygnes and the sun was shining so brightly, I tried to hold his hand. "I am sorry.." I said. I looked at his face. Still angry.
"I have said no to you, have I?"
"Yes you did"
"Why insisted?"
"I don't know"

Before C was born we have this thing between us that any disagreement we have between us, it should resolved as soon as possible. I think this is my idea for I hate conflict, but this works for him too who is a little bit on the independent side.

Hugged him from the side. I looked at him.

"You don't need to insist when I have given you my no." he continued.

I stopped walking, and looked at him some more. Charlotte pull him away from me I think she wanted to show him something that she found. Somehow remember this scribble I wrote on a piece of paper for this new year resolution: "let the husband do his stuff.." 

I knew right away that I needed to practice what I wrote. How could something so simple involve so much of emotion!

I ran to him, and said "d'accord." means yes in french, then hugged him.

Hold his hand and he squeezed mine.

We grow because of the challenge of the daily things. If you tell me this 10 years ago I would have shrugs it off. But it is real.

I wanted to tick off this resolution but I know that there will be events like this in the future, and every time it appears, will it be ticked off or will I let my ego gets to me.

This time us win, not my ego. I hope that this means that I am closer to be the wife I want to be.

Gorgeous day isn't it?